In a perfect world Captain Marvel is allowed to be bad.

As bad as the angry dust cloud in Green Lantern.

As ridiculous as 'Rubber lips are immune to your charms' In Batman & Robin.

And as poorly written as a film where two super powered chaps are hell bent on murdering each other, until they realise they both know a woman called Martha.

That's in an ideal world; but a rapist is president of America and England has become obsessed with reenacting the Hunger Games; so alas Captain Marvel isn't 'allowed' to do anything other than not exist.

See right now on Tim Apple's Internet there is some hero explaining to a group upset adult white men that when Brie Larson said:

'I decided to make sure my press days were more inclusive.'

She didn't mean:


But in fact:

(It'd be nice to see some different faces.)

And I salute you, valiant hero, make sure to drop a a gofundme link for your heart medication. But that couldn't be me. Anyone who has spent more than an hour on Twitter knew exactly what was coming when Brie Larson made those 'controversial' comments. If psychologist William James' multiverse theory is true then there is a reality where during the Captain Marvel press tour Brie Larson said:

'I honestly really enjoy pineapple pizza'

And the same contingent had the same reaction:

'I will not be Seeing Captain Marvel because PINEAPPLE DOES NOT BELONG ON PIZZA!'

- @whyisitracistwhenisayit

And while that commenter is certainly right about pizza everyone knows that it's not about bad pizza or Captain Marvel. Just as much as it wasn't about reviewing a movie they'd never seen.

Even if Captain Marvel isn't necessarily 'for' girls, it'll certainly pack them in. And if they'd willingly pay for a film that features not one but TWO alien races and special effects so special Samuel L Jackson gets his hairline back; then why aren't the same nerds that were victimised for their obsession with comics now not the most popular people around the watercooler?

Back then, the deep, complex (and sometimes silly) narratives of these worlds could be off-putting. And the same would go for anyone who lived and breathed these worlds. But now? Well you're more likely an outcast if you DON'T have a Game Of Thrones family you're rooting for. So when all of this nerd culture they based their identity on is so beloved; why aren't they? This leads to many nerds having to come to terms with the fact that maybe it isn't Captain Marvel, the show with the dragons or comic books that aren't likeable, but in fact...them.

They aren't drawn to the superhero comics because they champion the little man, clinging steadfastly to principles and a spirit that never gives up even when faced with impossible odds. No, for them it's about power. Mild mannered boy comes into contact with radioactive/magical/cosmic element X and becomes super!

Rags to riches with muscles. A haven from a reality where the majority of their teenaged life is spent with people who ignore them at best, despise them at worst. But it's easier to tell yourself you're unpopular because the comics you love simply require a level of intelligence that your average jock doesn't possess; but it's a little harder to create a believable narrative around girls who struggle to fit into such a rigid stereotype.

But building an identity on billion dollar properties never ends well. Not when on a bad year these properties still draw a couple billion at the global box office. Not when the knowledge that earned them a position as GRAND WIZARD HIGH PREIST KNOWER OF ALL NERDERY is now neatly collated on a Wikipedia page. And a comic book movie with 100+ million promotional budget means they're after boys, girls, jocks and even the girls that block you and your creepy comments online. They couldn't care less about who they say isn't allowed in the treehouse.

It's understandable that the very thing that they were vilified for now being championed by those same tormentors can feel as if they've stepped into the darkest timeline. But essentially: people are dicks. All types of people. Boys, girls, men, women, even dogs (well, huskies). High school is where young people begin to find themselves. Some struggle to find their confidence and are empowered by comics. And unfortunately others just find gaping arseholes.

But arsehole or not; it's still a child. A child forming an identity that (you hope) will eventually blossom into something better. But an adult facing none of these issues; just a limp unquestioned malice is much worse.

An irony (but not the ultimate irony) in the same ways they were targeted by bullies because they were seen as 'the perfect victim'; is the same way now those that were bullied will see a woman online with few friends and no one to defend them and decide to well...bully her.

All this is proof then that they never really cared about superheroes. It was power. They see it as a means to be popular. Make friends with the bullies and get the girl. Again, fine in a fantasy but problematic when your only problem with the bully is that you're the victim.

Oh and that ultimate irony. With the years spent with their heads buried in comics wishing for powers, they gained them and didn't even know. Yes, they were bitten by a toxic profile and became @WHYISITRACISTWHENISAYIT??? and @SNOWFLAKERSMASHER and of course @BUTTHURTSJW69

Where they craved muscles, instead they have anonymity and a space to say all the thoughts they didn't mature out of. They even have the superpowers of feigning ignorance and playing the victim when people push back.

Their actions are made all the more obvious by the fact that not only do women create and enjoy comics but there's also people who enjoy comics AND maintain healthy relationships with women. Shock! Horror! There exists nerds with an exhaustive knowledge of the original incarnation of The Guardians Of The Galaxy AND who haven't ever threatened a woman with rape. All this positions this particular group of nerds not as 'misunderstood', not 'passionate' but as babies. They're called 'man babies' for a reason. Because they have all the visual hallmarks of adulthood, but behave like very small children. In fact, the child throwing a tantrum in the middle of Tesco because they're not allowed SUPERFUNDANGEROUSLYSUGARYCEREAL would see an adult man bashing a film because it's got a woman in it and probably ask mum for a box of All Bran.

So yes, I will be seeing Captain Marvel. The trailer didn't exactly set me on fire but Samuel L Jackson with a hairline on the table and a cat with a starring role I'm sold.

And of course where Starlord's (OK, not brillaint) plan failed simply because he couldn't stop himself doing the very thing Gamora wouldn't want him to do and Thor, despite spending all his time on Earth shacking up with Natalie Port didn't watch a single zombie film. Because if he did he'd know to (say it with me) AIM FOR THE HEAD! So am I saying maybe I'll see a woman do a job two armies of white superhero men couldn't? No. Why? Because PINEAPPLE DOESN'T BELONG ON PIZZA!!!